Some thoughts on overdoing it, jealousy, and the grace of having things stripped away

Memory is a grace we must ask for. It is very easy to forget, especially when we are well fed (cf. Dt 6:10-12, 8:11-14) – Pope Francis (pulled from the Magnificat 3/6/24)

At the end of January and into early February, I was riding a total high of endorphins. I had worked my way slowly and carefully back into running and was finding time to get out for 3 mile runs twice a week. It felt amazing. I eased into 4 miles and still felt awesome. I was still doing a lower body strength workout one day, and would do abs after the runs, and was soaking in all the joy of feeling strong and being able to do this thing I loved after so long. Then, I got Joe sleeping through the night and after two nights of uninterrupted sleep, I was out for a run and thought, hey, I want to run a half marathon! I should mention, I had also gotten onto Strava, so I had this social media/dopamine component – when I completed a run I could post it and get “kudos” from friends and family – a feedback loop that made me want to run more and faster and longer, to achieve more goals and feel even more awesome. 

All of this had the very slight feel of being an idol in my life, but was easy to dismiss because it gave me so much joy, it was a fun flow activity, my unicorn space, that spilled over into my vocation as a mom and helped me be a more patient, loving mom. So, I thought I needed it. I deserved it! 

Fast forward to the end of Week 1 of my Half Marathon Training Plan, and I found myself hobbling to finish my 7 mile run, waddling for the rest of day, barely able to walk. The jump in mileage, frequency, and intensity from one week to the next was too much for this 7 month postpartum body to handle and I had strained my groin and adductor tendon as my pelvis had slipped out of alignment. 

I was pretty devastated. It was a crash after such a high, and until I could see a PT and figure out what was wrong, I was stuck, waiting and resting it, not really knowing what “it” was. I started hating Strava. Ugly feelings of jealousy flared up and as I was spiraling I realized how much ego had been wrapped up in this activity. It had been a source of joy, yes, but did I need it? No. 

In this time of feeling stuck and waiting, Lent started. At the 8am Ash Wednesday Mass, with Chris, Joe, and John, I suddenly realized that daily Mass was available to me in a very easy way. Without a workout plan to think about and look forward to, I found myself open to going with Chris, and even without Chris, after dropping off the girls at school. I went, and I went again, and I’ve kept going. I saw the gift God had dropped into my lap, and the grace of hungering for Him, for Him to nourish and sustain me in my disappointment. It’s a brief, sweet window of a few weeks where Joe is still fairly quiet and immobile and happy before his morning nap, and John is pretty good too. I’ve found myself soaking up gratitude for this unexpected grace, and for the words I’ve been resting in – of being His beloved. It’s a time of waiting for our family, also, and I’ve moved from restless anxiety about that, to holding an image of waiting as floating, supported by God’s love and mercy, just floating and waiting. 

I saw the physical therapist yesterday, so my pelvis is back in alignment now, for which I am very grateful. I can start doing strength exercises, stretching, and swimming again. And I’m so happy. I’ll get back to running eventually. But now that I feel well fed, in less pain, I don’t want to forget. The grace of the desert, the grace of waiting. The grace of having my ego stripped away, and feeling a new level of hunger for and dependence on God. My tendency towards comparison and jealousy, and, instead, the hundredfold that Jesus wants to provide for me. 

And a blog post came out of it! Who knew? Prompted by my friend Annie’s suggestion to write it down. ☺️

this looks so bleak now but I snapped it halfway through a run and I was loving it. There’s a Great Blue Heron in the water.

quick takes – back at it

My friend Mindy texted me recently, “I’m a little bitter at your podcast because now you never blog anymore!” Ha, I knowwww. But the other night I looked back at old posts and was like, oh, these are nice little snap shots into how life looked at different moments. And I haven’t blogged at all since we moved to Maryland.

So here I am, Mindy, back at it with a quick takes.

  • collecting a home birth kit – I am slowly reading through the birth stories in Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth and getting pumped for labor and this home birth. But it took me a couple weeks to wrap my mind around all the stuff I have to collect for it! Luckily a lot of women have had home births in my neighborhood and I’ve been able to get a lot of stuff from them, even a hose and faucet adapter for the birth tub – who knew!
  • homeschool – has become cross stitch, art, read-alouds, slowly making a calendar, and I judge the success of the day largely on how much time we spent outside. Evange will be starting first grade at a classical Catholic school, St. Jerome Academy, in the fall, and she is PUMPED. She’s already asked if she can walk to school by herself. Nature Study club, a little homeschool co-op we do every other week, will be starting up again soon and that’ll be fun.
  • podcasts – Evange loves listening to podcasts during cozy time (Circle Round and Molly of Denali are current favorites) which is great until she turns the volume up way too loud on the speaker or Zelie decides to stop listening and take a nap and I don’t realize it for 2 hours and then she doesn’t fall asleep until 9pm. I’ve been enjoying my friends’ podcasts, A Growing Home and The Pilgrim Soul Podcast, and also have dabbled into a few Messy Family Project episodes about marriage and discipline. And the My Essential Birth podcast is fun because it’s two doula friends talking about different birth topics – thanks for that rec, Megan! And, of course, Laughs and Littles has been a fun, creative outlet for me! We’re coming up on a year in early May and we’ll be wrapping up Season 2 sometime before this baby comes!
  • afternoon outings – It’s become a real struggle to find the motivation to do my pseudo-Peleton work outs at 33 weeks pregnant. I tell myself I walk a lot with the girls most afternoons, which is true.
  • Easter and April birthdays – I’m excited for the girls’ Easter baskets! I got them bamboo toothbrushes, summer dresses from the thrift store, a stuffed animal cat sewing kit for Evange, and am making a St. Louis Martin peg doll for Zelie and a Blessed Chiara Badano doll for Chiara. And my MIL kindly contributed sticker books, crafts, and lots of candy. For Zelie’s 4th birthday coming up, I finally got her baby book made! My plan was to make them for each girl for Christmas but I didn’t get to it so now the plan is they’ll be birthday presents this year. Chatbooks was easy to use and it’s so cute!
  • postpartum plans – I got my Kindle charged and Overdrive finally connected to our new library system. So I’ll be needing postpartum book and TV show recommendations soon! Hit me up. Previous reads were lots of Reese Witherspoon Book Club books and the Outlander series, and TV shows have been a Turkish soap opera that was on Netflix called Kurt Seyit ve Sura (fabulous) and Poldark and Downton Abbey. (I have access to Hulu, Amazon Prime, and PBS Masterpiece Theater, but not Netflix).
  • Chiara’s skin – We went on a journey the last two months trying to get to the bottom of the red/rashy/sensitive skin around Chiara’s mouth and chin that she’s had going on since she was 7 months old. I started to think it was maybe food allergy related and the pediatrician I found here ordered blood drawn to test for that. We found out she is highly allergic to dust/mites and dog dander, and the results showed some abnormalities to peanuts, eggs, dairy, and wheat – but they were way less than the dust and dog. But for 5 weeks I cut those foods out of her diet … and it kind of sucked. I have way more empathy for food allergies now. I got a Roomba and an air purifier to tackle the dust, started washing her bedding weekly on hot with a de-mite additive, dusting/Roomba’ing her room weekly, and took the rugs and stuffed animals out of her room. So, thanks to the Roomba, our house is way cleaner than it’s ever been, and I dust more than I ever have before, but with all those changes, her face didn’t show any significant improvement. We met with an allergist, who confirmed what I suspected – she doesn’t have the food allergies, she was just born with sensitive skin. And it should get better around her face as she gets older, and we’ll just keep it clean, moisturized, finger nails cut short, keep working on the dust, and never get a dog. PHEW! So thankful. I was getting pretty sick of flax eggs in everything we baked. She’s still her happy, delightful self, and getting more and more like a full-blown two year old every day. 🙂

conversations about race with my preschoolers

This summer the girls are (almost) 5, 3, and 1. We just raced through about 15 Magic Tree House books last month and are plowing through The Chronicles of Narnia together. Chapter books are new and exciting for Evangeline, and Zelie listens pretty well, too. It’s a fun new world.

I’m enjoying reading books I loved as a kid, and they’ve been starting some good conversations. Well, sometimes it turns into a conversation. Most of the time it’s me making a remark, pointing something out. And then I get the same question over and over again, usually not related to the point I made. Why did Aslan jump on the Witch? Why is Miraz a bad king? How did Miraz die? Why can’t you come back to Narnia when you get too old? Who is Eustace? What’s a poop deck? POOP DECK!!!

But here are some of the things I’ve been noticing and pointing out. We’ll see if they turn into conversations when we reread them again, and again, and again.

Prince Caspian – Caspian’s great-great-great grandfather, Caspian I, invaded Narnia and his people, the Telmarines, silenced and killed the Talking Beasts and the trees, changed Narnia, and tried their best to forget the way it used to be. When Caspian learns this history and that he is a Telmarine, he says sorry and tries to make it right, by fighting to bring back Old Narnia.

Voyage of the Dawn Treader – Caspian discovers that an outpost of Narnia, the Lone Island, has been exporting slaves, and he outlaws slavery. Opportunity to explain what slavery is, how evil it is when we don’t view another person as a precious gift, and see them as something we can use.

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In our latest library haul, I picked out books with characters of different ethnicities and tried to find authors of color. I’ve done this before, and I’ll do it again, and I’m mostly writing it here to have a place to keep all the book lists that have been recommended to me, and to look back and see what we were reading and what our conversations about race were like in this moment in time.

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The girls’ favorites from this stack and our conversation points:

  • Sulwe by Lupita Nyong’o  – Beautiful illustrations, a very dark-skinned girl with lighter-skinned family navigates feeling not beautiful and wishing for lighter skin, to loving “the brightness within her.”
    • Words are very powerful – they can really hurt someone or make someone feel really good.
    • Zelie said, “I wish I had dark skin.” You are beautiful just as God made you. You are beautiful when you are fully yourself.
  • What Is Given From The Heart by Patricia C. McKissack – Great story about a mother and son who give to a family in their community from the little they have
    • generosity, creativity, gratitude, community
  • Where Are You From? by – Yamile Saied Mendez Author is from Argentina, made me think about my own family’s immigration story.
    • Gruben, Nono, and Nona are from Argentina. Let’s get out the map and look at where Argentina is. Pampas, gauchos. Why do they speak Spanish? 

Book lists and resources I’ve been given lately.

 

 

 

life in the time of COVID

Some quick takes from these last six weeks!

  • Life update. Just before Notre Dame moved classes online and everything shut down, Chris and I ended two weeks of intense discernment with a decision to move to Washington D.C this summer! Chris accepted an offer from Catholic University of America to do a PhD in Theology and, while I am very sad to leave South Bend, we’re excited for this next adventure! Now is the time for big, bold moves, right? Ha! (That’s Evangeline’s letter to her friend, Joe, saying, “You won’t see me because I am moving. I will send you letters.”) If you have friends in the D.C/Hyattsville area, hit me up, I’m looking for connections! 🙂

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  • Podcast. I had this idea while I was thinking about how sad I was to be leaving – that I could do a podcast one day with my friend Annie, to keep our friendship going long-distance. When I mentioned it, she was so pumped and got the ball rolling, and here we are, about to record our first episode! Ha! I would still be in the brainstorming phase without her initiative. It’s called Laughs & Littles, and we’ll be talking about anything and everything about mom life – getting into the nitty gritty, because that’s what we always want more of from talks and podcasts! And now with COVID, it feels like a time to try new things. So, stay tuned for more on that!

  • Homeschool mornings. We love Evange’s preschool class, and it’s sad she won’t get to finish the year. But she adjusted really well to “school at home,” and the first three weeks were so peaceful, I couldn’t believe it. She never said she missed her friends and seemed so content to be home. We have a loose routine now, mainly, once Chiara takes her morning nap, we have about an hour of focused time. At first, Zelie would do her morning quiet time and I’d have one on one time with Evange, but lately Zelie’s been staying with us. Here are some things we’ve been rotating between that have been fun:
    • Math
      • coin game – “bring me a penny, bring me a quarter, bring me 1 cent, bring me 26 cents, etc”
      • “buying” things
      • worksheets/dry erase workbook
      • patterns, Set, shapes on geo board
    • Writing/Reading
      • writing with bananagram tiles
      • writing letters to pen pals
      • labeling things around the house
      • making a calendar project
      • worksheets/dry-erase workbook
    • Art
      • Thursday is our Art & Prayer Corner day so I try to come up with an art project, or just get out paint and paper.
      • These paper dolls have been a hit
    • Science
      • We have these great children’s encyclopedias from Chris’s mom, and Evange loves reading the World and Space one. She and Zelie say they are going to be astronauts when they grow up.

and then we try to get outside and play until lunch. Zelie usually wanders off and plays with her dolls, which is fine. If we get a warm sunny day, we just do as much outside time as possible.

  • Sundays. We made it to Eastertide! Holy Week at home was actually really cool. I always feel a lot of FOMO with littles that I can’t make it to everything, but this year I was drowning in resources for ways to do Holy Week at home! Since then, we’ve been keeping Sundays special by getting dressed up and either watching Mass with Bishop Barron or Mass at the Basilica, but lately we’ve had more success with “home Mass.” Evange likes processing in with a candle, cross, and cloth, and then we do the readings and some prayers and songs. Then we make a big brunch and, after, the girls watch this Children’s Liturgy of the Word that is fantastic. My sister-in-law also wrote up 9 ways to keep Sundays special and it’s a great resource.

  • April birthdays. We celebrated Zelie turning 3 on the 10th and Chris turning 30 on the 20th! Zelie requested an ice cream cake (not sure how she even knew about those) and it was delish, especially since I didn’t make it. We had a “party” all day with balloons, cinnamon rolls for breakfast, FaceTiming friends and family, cards and gifts from grandparents, a Lion King viewing, and pizza. And I made a carrot cake for Chris that I was happy to eat all the rest of the week, it was so good.
  • Books. Currently reading The Thorn Birds, and I love it and hate it. Love the setting and scope but the relationships are so messed up and I am ANGSTY about it. I didn’t love Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine but I’m glad I finished it. It was very similar to The Cactus, another Reese Witherspoon Book Club book … hm. I really liked A Gentleman in Moscow, and Olive, Again was okay. Then I read The Mercies, about a fishing village in Norway that loses all its men in a storm in 1617, and had to skip over parts when it got to the witch trials. I was reading while nursing in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back asleep, I was so upset. So, not sure I recommend that one. The Water Dancer was really good, though. The magical realism was hard for me to get into at first, but then I enjoyed it.

  • Chiara. But speaking of nursing in the middle of the night, that’s down to only once in the very early morning now, and I’m stoked! Sleeeeeep! Chiara, or “The Keek,” is the best, and at such a cute age right now. She’s crawling and cruising around, playing peekaboo, starting to get into everything, and trying to climb the stairs. Can’t believe she’ll be a year old next month. Crazy.

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That’s what’s new with us!

life with three

After the third kid, it’s just logistics. We’re coming up on the last quarter of this Baby Year and I’ve been thinking about things we’ve changed since Chiara was born.

  • Instacart. When I saw our housemate get her Aldi groceries delivered to the house, I was like whaaaat?? I can get overwhelmed by meal planning and grocery shopping at the best of times, but working around a baby’s nap schedule + bad weather made me just give up. Chris shopped for a while (and he spends way less money than I do because he sticks strictly to the list) but he only had time to do it on the weekend and I just wanted him home with us. So, I convinced him that it’s worth it for the one year membership and we’re trying it out. I’m determined to love it (and I do), but then annoying things happen like 1) the shopper only delivers half the order 2) the order doesn’t get delivered or 3) they buy the wrong thing BUUUT I hate grocery shopping enough to look past it. And it gets worked out in an hour or so and I get a refund or redelivery or whatever. So, good customer service. It took a while for me to get in a groove with it (and not forget to order basic things) but now I’m meal planning and ordering on Saturday mornings and it’s been good. When it works well, I’m like, what an age we live in. Technology. 
  • Monthly dates. This wasn’t super intentional at first but with family visiting and swapping with friends, we fell into about 1x/month getting out for drinks post-bedtime. That time together has become much more precious because I now understand how easy it is to only really talk about the day to day schedule stuff.
  • Nightly clean up. We’ve just gotten more disciplined about the bare minimum of cleaning/tidiness so that it doesn’t feel awful coming downstairs the next morning. It really makes such a difference to start the (v early morning) with the kitchen wiped down/swept up.
  • Saturday morning “mama time.” This is for my sanity. Sometimes it’s a run and meal planning, or thrifting, or adoration. Sometimes it’s a three hour nap because I’m succumbing to the cold the girls have. Blerg.
  • Making space for each other’s hobbies.
  • Sleep training. We did this with the other two but I think I got serious about it sooner with Chiara, and we moved her out of our room at 5.5 months (Zelie was in for almost a year because we were in a 2 bedroom apt).
  • No guilt about switching off being with the girls to catch up on sleep on the weekends.
  • No guilt about streaming a TV show for the girls to watch post-nap time/quiet time.
  • Quiet time is sacred. Evangeline does an hour and some days it overlaps with Chiara and Zelie’s naps, some days they don’t all line up for very long, but it’s still necessary for everyone. And now Zelie does a 30 minute quiet time in the morning … I take any sort of quiet, alone time I can get.
  • Laundry. It took me this long to get into some sort of system. The big girls have a hamper and Chiara has one, and they get washed together about every 4 days. And immediately sorted! This is so simple but has really freed up the backlog of folding and getting back to their rooms.
  • Housemate coming in clutch. I’m thinking back to all those nights in the first 5 months that Chris wasn’t home for bedtime and Clare was there to hold Chiara while I got Zelie down, and then I could hold her while I did Evange. My spiritual director said, “Sometimes all you need is a pair of hands for 7 minutes.”  So true. Thanks, Clare!

And this isn’t logistics, but I’ve also been thinking about the sweetness of sister bonds, and how we’ve seen the big girls grow so much in this last year, too. My sister and I are 19 months apart, just like Evangeline and Zelie, so I don’t remember her birth. It’s been beautiful to see Evangeline’s special bond with Chiara. She is quick to try to make her happy – she made up a song to sing to her when she cries in the car – and things I find annoying, like repeating loud one syllable noises over and over again, crack Chiara up. Who knew.

I know in a couple years I’ll think it was silly of me to feel like I had a big kid in the house when my oldest was 4 and a half, but I have been surprised lately at all the things Evangeline can do, and wants to do. As I’m nursing Chiara, she will proudly come and tell me that she dried herself off from the bath, brushed her teeth and hair, flossed, put on her pull-up, put lotions on her legs, and put her PJ’s on. Then she’ll say, “Does that help the family?” because she’s also now on the lookout for ways to earn coins to put in her piggy bank. (Also discovered that she’s super motivated by charts.) And she and Zelie play together SO WELL these days. My favorite is when they act out the scenes from Frozen when Anna and Elsa are little. Do the magic, do the magic! THIS IS AMAZING! It’s just a fun new world with almost two preschool-age kids in the house.

january round up

 

  • Running! Chris and I are training for the Holy Half on April 4. Chris schedules everything he does and we switch off with the girls and it has been so fun for me to be serious about running again! My goal is 3 runs/week and I’m up to 6 miles and it feels good to be out in the cold and getting stronger. I’m super hungry all the time, and more tired, but endorphins!

  • Decluttering and cleaning. Over Christmas I made a list of places in the house I wanted to reorganize, and I hit the ground running when we got back home. Basement, pantry, girls’ clothes bins, both hall closets – woot! Linen closet is next on the list. It feels like something I can control as we await news about Chris’s PhD applications and is weirdly energizing. I asked my friend Annie for help with organizing/house stuff and she gave me a tip that keeping cleaning supplies in each bathroom makes it easier to just do a little bit of cleaning whenever you have a moment. And she also pointed out that our downstairs bathroom is used by all visitors, but has no storage space and therefore is hard to keep clean. So I got this, and Chris mounted it and here’s to keeping this bathroom a bit cleaner for the sake of hospitality!
    wow, this is the most boring picture.
  • Feedback. That interaction reminded me how hard it is to get feedback, lol. Chris read a book for a class last semester called Thanks for the Feedback and he told me about a part that has been helpful. The idea is that when you receive critical feedback, you can be emotionally triggered in one of three areas – truth, relationship, and identity. This observation from Annie touched on my identity as someone who tries to be hospitable and to create a beautiful space to welcome people into. Because I never once thought about the fact that it’s my guests who use that bathroom the most! Eek. It also made me reflect on how often I used to receive critical feedback in my previous job and how the work of sorting through the emotions and responding well was probably the source of a lot of my stress. Phew! (Love you, Annie.)
    our first chore chart … because E got a piggy bank for Christmas and is trying to figure out how to get more coins.
    just the cutest.
    her writing is exploding and it’s so cool!
  • Books. I finished The Overstory and Commonwealth over Christmas and read This Must Be The Place at the recommendation of my MIL. All very good. The Overstory made me sad about deforestation and the dire situation of the planet, but in a very compelling, well-written way. I recommend. Then I read Circe and loved it. Felt like my third grade Greek mythology-loving self again. Just finished The Dutch House and now reading A Gentleman in Moscow while I await other holds to come in. (Waking up to nurse 2-3 times a night is infinitely more bearable when I have a good book to read.)
  • Big girl Zelie. On impulse, I decided it was time to graduate Zelie from the pack n play and set her up with a “big girl bed,” aka the crib mattress on the ground in her closet. But it turned out to be a great move (go me) because 1) she’s sleeping with a comforter now and 2) she (mostly) stays in bed until the alarm clock turns green! She does wake up at 5:45 still, but she lies in bed singing and talking until 6:15 and it doesn’t alwaaaays wake up Evange. Progress! In my search for a toddler size duvet for her I discovered Kidizen and found a great deal on an IKEA bedding set – score. I also started having her do a 30 minute morning quiet time when we get back from dropping E off at preschool. So far, it’s going pretty well! IMG-2130
  • Prayer. I gave a reflection at our parish’s mom’s group this month and really enjoyed the process of praying and thinking about what to share. It was sort of about Mary as Theotokos – because I was asked to do it right after that solemnity – but more so about finding freedom from things that hold us back from seeing ourselves as God sees us, and being a God-bearer, like Mary. As I was thinking about this, my friend Adrianna shared an article with me and I really loved this quote from it. “The longer I walk under [Jesus’s] gaze, the more even all the wounds I have, my littleness, my sorrows, the things I do not understand about myself, the fears, the pettiness, and the sins, become dear to me. I know that they are my only opportunity to intercept the Lord passing by, because they leave me disarmed, needy and small. I am amazed how I no longer want to censor anything about myself; on the contrary, I stubbornly want to look at everything, down to the bottom. My humanity is only dear to me because it is embraced by the Lord who comes.”
  • Lions. We’ve watched The Lion King a few times now, and Zelie will tell anyone that it’s the best and her favorite. It’s also meant a lot of roaring at each other and endless questions, mostly about Scar. Evange and I also just finished The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe and immediately started rereading it. I’ve been getting a lot of questions like, “Why does Scar want to be king?” and “Why isn’t the Witch the true Queen of Narnia?” that have made me reflect on the parallels between these stories. Good times. IMG-2150
  • Outside time. We had a great two hours at a county park last week and it reminded me that we never go outside anymore, and we should. I feel like we live in the backyard all summer, and then I hibernate all winter. But the girls played together so well and were loving it! And I love watching them explore. So, going to try to start a weekly park play date with a friend and maybe even track our outside hours to stay motivated! Here’s to a mild February!

november quick takes

a little round up of what’s been going on around here lately!

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1. Veteran’s Day Snow Storm! Which just really makes it hard for me to believe we haven’t gotten to Thanksgiving yet. I want Christmas decorations up asap. Evangeline has a strong association between playing in the snow (or seeing snow outside) and drinking hot chocolate. She has made some calculated dashes outside to “play in the snow,” only to come back in three minutes later crying because snow is in her boots and then demands hot chocolate. Eye roll. 

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2. Thankful Turkey! But I am loving this art kick she is on. She loves drawing pictures each day on a “thankful feather.” Highlights include, “I am thankful for myself and the wind.” And we get to host Thanksgiving for the first time! I made an unsuccessful Target run (silly me, thinking there would be anything fall-related left in the stores in November) but had fun doing a pre-styling prep of the table. My mom and sister will cook and it’s going to be so fun!

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some “fall beauty” with snow outside

3. Sleeping arrangements! In preparation for having family visit, and also because Chiara started waking up more and I wanted to kick her out of our room, the big girls are back to sharing and C is in the guest room for now. Bedtime is staggered but going really well. But we are trying to potty night-train Evangeline and girlfriend pees so much at night!! I limit her water, and Chris is in charge of waking her up to pee, but this has meant that we both are getting v interrupted sleep (because he has to wake her up about 3 times!). Hoping we discover a pattern and/or she learns to hold it longer soon. Which also brings me to …

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4. Precious Little Sleep! I’m back in the baby world where a lot of my mental space is taken up by sleep schedules. A few weeks ago, my friend Annie observed Chiara falling asleep nursing and then waking up when I put her down, and asked if I’d like to borrow her sleep book. To which I said, YES PLEASE!! (I would have been annoyed by this if it came from just about anyone but her, lol). I was caught off-guard by Chiara not being a newborn anymore – hah! The old nap techniques were no longer working and I was not down with her being awake until 9:30pm anymore. And this book has been THE BEST. Funny, practical, balanced, and so helpful. I am all about it. I had a lull in my work with my editing job and tackled breaking her sleep association with nursing at bedtime (she was textbook with it, so good), got her out of my bed, and in good naps. It gave me a sense of control over something and therefore, so happy. All the praise hands!

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5. For my birthday at the end of the summer, I got these jeans, and I’ve worn them every single day through fall. They are the most expensive jeans I’ve ever had, but they have also ruined every other pair for me. So comfortable! They never sag! I never wash them! (except to get poop/yogurt/paint off).

6. Make up! Another birthday present – in the self-care, restorative arena, I had been thinking for a while that I would like to learn more about make up. To look my best to be my best and all that. And also, I would like to know a little more about it and be able to help my girls with it some day waaaaay down the road. Like the millennial I am, I finally decided on this collection via someone I follow on Instagram, because she was able to tell me which color foundation to pick. So, now when I want to be fancy, I can be!

7. Marco Polo! My new favorite thing. (It’s an app where you send video messages to friends.) It is a weird way to communicate (I concede, Maya!), but it works for me right now. It’s how I stay in touch with good friends long-distance because, in reality, I’m not going to send long texts or emails and we’re never going to find a time to talk on the phone or FaceTime. I can listen to a Polo while I fold laundry or whatever, and I can send one back whenever I have a minute. Or twenty. I’ve loved feeling closer to friends and having some really good, deep conversations through it.

And, that’s about it! Happy weekend! 🙂

when I thought I had an anger problem and then remembered I’m an introvert

Since adding Chiara to the mix, I’ve been reading/thinking/talking about parenting more than I ever have before. It’s not her – she’s almost unicorn baby level of chill – it’s me. It’s me learning what it feels like to be stretched to my limits and operate at full capacity. And what it looks like when I snap.

Anger, friends. So much anger.

Before becoming a mom, I don’t know if I’d ever experienced anger as an emotion before. Seriously. Annoyance and irritation, sure, but … rage? Nope. I’m an Enneagram 9 and the classic problem with that type is “being out of touch with one’s anger,” and I always thought, hm, weird, that doesn’t apply to me. Hah!

A while ago, I had two separate conversations with friends in the course of a week about going to counseling for parenting issues. Specifically, dealing with anger as a parent. And it surprised me that I had never thought of this as an option before, but because it popped up twice, it seemed like something I should consider. But then, all the obstacles – cost, insurance, childcare? And I didn’t do anything.

Then, one afternoon a few days later, I had a fantastic blow up at Evangeline and finally decided – if counseling is what it takes to make this stop, I have to do it.

I ended up making an appointment at the Women’s Care Center in town because a) it’s free and b) I could bring Zelie and Chiara, and I had a conversation with a counselor. I went in expecting her to give me strategies to manage anger, but when I described that I have a 4 year old, 2.5 year old, and 5 month old, and I get angry with my 4 year old when I’m tired, she turned the conversation towards self-care.

Are you getting enough sleep? Do you have help from your husband? Do you get time to exercise, be alone?

And I thought, Wait a second. Is this really the answer?

I consider myself good at asking for help and knowing what I need. The self-care route seemed like an easy out.

Later that day, I started reading a book called Introverted Mom, and found myself laughing in relief. She laid out three truths about anger that RESONATED.

  1. Anger is the natural response to the hard parts of motherhood, especially as an introvert.
  2.  Anger is an indicator to pause or change something (a bodily cue, similar to hunger).
  3. Quiet is a must for an introverted mom.

Oh yeah!! I’m an introvert! Everything made sense again. (I don’t know if I fully recommend this whole book, but it was worth it even just for this beginning part).

I don’t have an underlying anger issue. The self-care stuff isn’t secondary. I need to recharge to be a sane person good mom and partner to Chris.

The book gave me some reminders of ways to recharge and I thought of things I already naturally do, but now I recognize them as necessary.

Here’s what’s working right now:

  • Lighting a candle in the morning darkness
  • Morning Prayer from Magnificat while I nurse (even v interrupted)
  • Playing music
  • Getting out for a run about 2x/week
  • Reading novels while nursing
  • Stepping outside to just breathe
  • Soaking up the colors of the fall leaves
  • 20 min power naps
  • Going to bed as early as I can
  • Conversations with good friends (over Marco Polo if not in person)
  • Giving Evangeline a 20 min show after her quiet time (to bribe her to stay in her room for her quiet time and give myself a little more time)
  • Historical British dramas (Downton Abbey)

 

 

I’m learning to recognize what my “buttons” are, and to step away when I need to. And to note, without judgement, when I am particularly tired or overstimulated … before I lose it. I’m working on making time during the week and a regular time each weekend for me to do something restorative (Chris is a big part of this).

Because then I set myself up to enjoy time with these cuties and they get a happier mama. Win win.

 

 

the good list

Quick takes on what’s working well around here lately and the little moments I’m holding onto each day that are just good.

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1. Tidy time. I borrowed this idea from my friend while Chris was in London. After dinner, Evange (and Zelie, somewhat) tidies up all the toys around the house and then she gets to watch a 20 minute show. She is SO MOTIVATED. She will ask me, before we’ve even had dinner, “Is it tidy time??” If Zelie helps, or it’s early enough, she gets to watch, and if I’m doing bedtime solo I will put her to bed while Evange finishes the episode. And I love coming downstairs to a clean playroom in the morning. Win win. (I know I just wrote a post about living more Montessori at home and yet I do daily screen time. I contain multitudes.) 

2. Ice cream cones. This feels like a life hack that I know will not last forever but am savoring now. I have a hard time with endless afternoons if we don’t have something scheduled to go and do, but this has been great to help us transition from naps to playing outside. We make a smoothie together, put it in a waffle cone (left over from Evange’s 3rd birthday party) and they have to eat it outside. And then we’re out there for an hour or more, usually.

3. Warm afternoons. Once we’re outside, Evange and Zelie have started playing “Mama” together. Zelie runs around yelling, “Mama!” and I yell, “What?” and she says, “Not you! I’m talking to Evange!” Perfect. I sit with Chiara and drink tea and read while they play and even if nap times didn’t align, I’m still so grateful that it’s warm and sunny and we are all outside. Even when they end up naked and covered in smoothie. (Because winter is coming…)

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4. Mornings with the littles. We’ve found a weekly rhythm with a balance of playdates and time at home. Zelie plays fairly independently and it’s been fun to show her the Montessori activities on the shelves, and then just watch her get absorbed in lining up all her little Play Mobil peeps in different configurations. She also gets to go to her “preschool time,” which is an hour of coloring, songs, snacks, and playtime with three other 2 year old girls on our street. So cute. I’m so grateful for that.

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our Thursday mornings. this time was playing in the lobby of Evange’s school while Bernadette’s mom helped in the Atrium

5. Tomatoes, basil, and zinnias. The only parts of our jungle garden that are still going strong, but it’s perfect. I ask Evange to pick more tomatoes whenever we’re outside, and to pick me a new bouquet every few days. Soaking up all the color because, again, I’m already dreading winter.

6. Our Bosch. Our dishwasher stopped working in January after the Polar Vortex and even though multiple dishwasher repairmen have told me that was just a coincidence, I’m not wholly convinced. My dad gave me money for a new one after his recent visit, there was a Labor Day sale still going strong, and I did the thing. I had forgotten how amazing it is to have a dishwasher. All the praise hands. Thanks, Dad!

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7. Elementary. Another gift from my dad’s visit – Chris and I once again have access to our favorite TV show from when we were dating that we never finished. Nostalgia. 

how montessori is helping me be a better parent

When I was asked if I’d like to help with the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd program for the primary students at Evangeline’s school this year, I jumped at the chance. Childcare is always tricky but the other mom who is helping also has a two year old daughter, so each week we switch off entertaining the little ones, and the other gets to be in the Atrium (the room where CGS happens). I had my first turn in the Atrium yesterday and it was the highlight of my day. These are some of my observations from the time and how it’s interacting with the thoughts I’ve been having about parenting.

I re-read this book on the temperaments this week, looking for help dealing with Evangeline’s tantrums and some behavior issues (like, she locked the back door the other day to try to lock me out of the house, and I found a container of oats behind/under the couch that she had been secretly snacking on back there – what?) and was relieved and amused, because yes, she is definitely my conquering choleric child. And as easy going phlegmatics, Chris and I are often bewildered by her outbursts of passionate screaming. The girl is just so loud sometimes. She reacts quickly and intensely, and yes, we will have to continue to help her learn to control her emotions, but she’s also confident and loves to be helpful and independent, and fingers crossed, those qualities will serve her well through adolescence and beyond. Having the temperaments as a loose framework helps me to see when I am being worn down (or bullied lol) by her insistence (lately it’s been letting her watch an episode of a show, or two, after quiet time, because I need a longer break) – and putting my foot down to break habits I don’t want us in. It also helps me have more empathy and patience when she reacts so loudly. (She doesn’t do this at school, btw. She saves it all for us at home #blessed).

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Earlier this week, I went to a volunteer training at the school, and it was an unexpected, lovely reinforcement of how I want to be as a parent. A scientist, a saint. What are my buttons? Ask others for help. So good to think about. The principal of the school commented, “We don’t ask the child, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ We ask, ‘How will the universe be different because you are in it?'”  #CosmicEducation

I’m coming into all this Montessori stuff a total newbie. I didn’t know anything about it  when Evangeline started at a Catholic Montessori school that runs from preschool to junior high. I have slowly been picking up the philosophy, the lingo, and the planes of child development here and there, from different books and articles, in a haphazard way. And mostly from my homeschooling mom friends, who are incorporating aspects of it into their homes.

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So I’ve been on a kick with it this week, reading The Montessori Toddler and having fun arranging activities for the girls to discover and play with in our play room. Hiding toys to bring them out in rotation has left bare, minimal shelves which are easier to tidy at the end of the day. My MIL sent me this article a while ago and I’m finally putting some of these ideas into practice, and something about it is really fun for me. Thinking about what toys actually get used, or are part of a complete set, and eliminating whatever is random and excessive and not age-appropriate, is freeing. And thinking about what activities the girls would enjoy, and what items we have around the house or yard that would work, is using some creativity that is life-giving to me.

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in her fancy dress to move her frogs around the room all day 🙂

Anyway, bringing all that into the Atrium with me this week, I noticed some things.

  • The order, detail, and thoughtfulness of the materials in the room creates a peace and a beauty that feeds something in my soul.
  • Seeing other adults interact with 3-6 year children in a calm, respectful way helps my own struggle with patience when it’s just me at home, outnumbered by my three.
  • Children are still children in this beautiful space. They get silly and distracted by each other, they sometimes need redirection. But mostly, they are reverent, focused, and eager. And it is delightful to just stand back and watch.

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