Sarah

april in quick takes

1. Right after I wrote about potty training, Evangeline started regressing (eye roll emoji) and it just got worse and worse until suddenly there was a slow upward trend and fingers crossed we are back to normal again. (And I still don’t know why. The move, I guess?) But the worst two weeks of it corresponded with the last two weeks of freezing weather and I just about lost my mind completely. It’s just soul crushing to handle that much poop when you have taught this little human how to take care of her own business. I was so frustrated and grumpy, and the weather compounded it so much that I just kept thinking, when (if) spring ever finally comes, it will literally solve all my problems. And, it kinda has.

2. On one of those really bad poop days, I impulse bought new spring clothes. And I half expected them to not fit and not be cute because of how guiltily I indulged in purchasing them, but guess what, CUTE AND COMFY. Even the culottes. We have a wedding coming up in June and I’m eyeing some maxi dresses … or maybe a jumpsuit?? Except how to nurse and go to the bathroom … but Grace seems to be able to pull them off and she has six kids.

3. I’ve been obsessing over our backyard garden because I want to get it perfect (have things actually grow) but feel like I have no idea what I’m doing and I have this lurking fear that nothing will grow and I’ll be so disappointed. But, seeds are planted! So it’s a very boring looking plot of dirt right now, but brimming with potential. I texted my friend Sarah many times because she’s all about this – her garden is awesome and she’s got lots of helpful tips. She told me to check if our city has free compost, and lo and behold, it does. Then I still overestimated the size of our garden bed and bought way too many seeds. But oh well! Next year! Or plant more mid summer? I’m winging it!

4. But as I was planting the seeds, I was thinking about how tiny and vulnerable they were and how I was hoping so much for them to grow and thrive, and it felt sacred, almost. And then I remembered and yelled, Chris, get the Book of Blessings!

Chris asked for this book for his birthday. It has blessings for almost everything home and family related, including, wait for it, The Blessing of Seeds at Planting Time. So while the girls played together over in a corner of the yard, Chris and I blessed the seeds. It was so wonderful. (So those blessed seeds better grow!) Here’s the prayer if you want to use it for your seeds or plants.

5. The Book of Blessings also has a Blessing of a Mother Before Childbirth and I had the privilege of hosting a blessingway for my friend in our new home. I got the idea from Geena’s blog, and followed her how-to and it’s just a simple, special time to love on a mom-to- be. If you have any pregnant friends in your life, I highly recommend!

6. Speaking of childbirth, a recent episode of a podcast I like focused on birth and I was like, oh yeah, birth is so amazing! It made me think about writing up my birth stories. So, watch out. Also finished listening to this mini-series on social self-care and my take aways were: read Laudato Si, read Harry Potter, persevere with my garden, try to throw away less scraps of toddler food remains, be on social media less and be more intentional with friendships I want to invest in. Book-wise, I finished this and this and am still v slowing working my way through this. Listening to Harry Potter #1 in the car (because summer is coming and HP is my good friend) and fitting in a little nonfiction with this when I clean up the kitchen in the evening.

7. The Village threw one big final hurrah and it was freezing cold, very fun, and also sad. I’m so glad we decided to live there. It was an amazing, international community and it made my transition to South Bend waaaay better than I expected. It really was like a freshman dorm, but families. Instant friends. It’s so weird and sad that it will be gone by the end of the summer. But, cool that there do seem to actually be plans now to build a new Village, though it will be different, in 2019. Aaaaand it was a stretch to make it to 7, that’s all! So happy we’ve made it to May.

Linking up with Kelly.

one year later

Zelie’s first birthday party was so fun. My dad was in town and we had about 30 people over to celebrate. It was such a contrast to Evangeline’s first birthday that it got me reflecting on all the changes and transitions that I’ve gone through in the past year or so.

We had Evange’s party at the beach in Santa Cruz with friends and family, and it was really just an excuse to hang out at the beach with our friends. No party decor or games, no presents. I was still working, and the thought of preparing enough food for everyone and trying to bake anything was just so overwhelming that I outsourced. I asked my amazing foodie friend to bake cupcakes and I went the Whole Foods catering route for some fancy sandwiches. Oh, and I was seven weeks pregnant with Zelie. So … no energy.

Zelie’s party was our first big shin dig in the new house we just bought. Sometimes I still can’t believe we own a house (in Indiana) but that’s another post forthcoming. I’ll do a little house tour when we’re more settled in, ie have some furniture. But it felt like a big deal to be able to really host something in our own space for the first time. I used serving platters from our wedding registry that had never seen the light of day. And in some ways, it kind of marked for me a one year anniversary of being a SAHM. I was able to come up with a menu for 30 people, shop for it, and cook it all without crying. I was even excited about it. I went the pulled pork route and borrowed crock pots and made 7 pounds worth of this and about 7 pounds worth of this. (And discovered in the process that my crock pot is an ancient piece of junk).

I baked a cake for the first time (and while the icing humbled me, I’m still v proud. Thanks for the rec, Seisha!). For Evange and her friends (because, really, what does a one year old do at a party) we played Pin the Tail on the Donkey, and it was so cute.

I can’t wait for the weather to warm up so we can host parties in the backyard! I envision lots of Spikeball, S’more, Sangria parties this summer. Come visit us!! 🙂

what i want to remember from right now

Ice skating with Evangeline for the first time. The tiny skates! She loved getting pushed around in that little green thing, as fast as we could go.

Evange learning to hold up two fingers by herself. And just randomly I find her holding two fingers, like she’s always practicing. She says, “Zelie is going to be one years old and I’m two years old!” So proud of herself. And very excited for Zelie’s birthday party. I hope I can make it live up to the hype.
Zelie crawling – determined, head down, super fast. flopping down onto the couch or pillows like a little bug. putting every dang little scrap of paper/anything she’s not supposed to eat into her mouth ALL THE TIME. (And she’s sleeping terribly. But maybe I want to forget that.)
Zelie making friends all the time. Getting to be pretty interactive – grabbing faces and hair and just so smiley. Kids love her.
The girls starting to play with each other.

Evange on a The Polar Express KICK, in March. Grandma and Grandpa visited and she made Grandma read it to her at least 10 times. And she needs to wear her “Santa Claw” hat while she reads. Love this girl.

Our little apartment at University Village. We’re moving to our first house soon and leaving apartment life, especially in the Village, is bittersweet.

what we’ve been eating: lenten edition

I feel like I’ve been on a good vegetarian kick lately, which feels funny to say because I was a vegetarian for six years, until Zelie’s pregnancy ended it. But it feels (all the feels, sorry) like adulting to learn to cook meat, and we still don’t eat much of it and I’m trying to buy local meat when I do, blah blah blah all that to say, Lent has been a good excuse to get back to my vegetarian “roots.” (My dad is from Argentina, my “roots” are not actually vegetarian at all). Anyway, here’s what we’ve been eating the last few weeks.

ALL DA SOUPS. This vegan cookbook (the only cookbook I own!) that I got from my lovely SIL is where I get all my soup recipes. I can throw in whatever vegetables I have lying around, it makes the apartment smell great, and nothing says YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS ETERNAL WINTER like some hearty, yummy soup. I make tortilla soup, peanut stew, lentil-cauliflower soup, 10 spice vegetable soup, and red lentil-kale soup on the regular.
BREAD. I just made bread this past week (to go with soup for dinner) using Sarah’s Rustic No-Knead Bread recipe and it was BOMB. Definitely my new go-to. It was so easy! No mixer! I made it the night before because in the past, dough hasn’t risen for me and I wanted to give it more time, but this doubled its size in two hours like it was supposed to! So I put it in the fridge overnight, let it sit out for an hour the next day before baking, and it turned out super delish. I was v pleasantly surprised. Thanks, Sarah!

BLACK BEAN BURGERS. I don’t really like hamburgers anymore, but I love me a good veggie burger. Maya made these for me after Evange was born and I finally tried my hand at them. They were easier than I expected and had really good flavor! Chris humors me (he doesn’t think they count as burgers) but on a no meat Friday, they are a winner.
HOMEMADE PIZZA. I used the Rushed Pizza Dough and Margherita Pizza recipe from The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook, but this recipe from her blog is close. This was a fun attempt. My first round, I did half whole wheat flour and I think not enough water and it turned out super crumbly, but then tasted okay/not the greatest when baked. I made two more rounds with all white flour and the third was the best – it actually felt like pizza dough lol. The pressure was on to get it right because we had guests over, but pizza is pizza and it was all good.

Any vegetarian fave recipes to share? I need help transitioning my cooking away from hearty soups when spring/summer/warm weather ever arrives.

oh crap! potty training. my thoughts exactly.

No one prepared me for potty training!! I mean, I don’t know what preparation would have looked like exactly, but man, it was a PROCESS. Any new milestone that I approach with Evangeline (eating solids, sleep training, climbing out of the crib, etc) I go through this angst (CHANGE!). And potty training was no different.

In July, I made a friend who has a girl Evangeline’s age, like week apart. I noticed her taking Coral to the potty one day and was like WHAT! She’s POTTY TRAINED?! I didn’t know we could do that yet! And my friend said, yep, I trained her at 19 months.

MIND BLOWN.

She told me that she read this book and followed that method. I was intrigued because approaching any big change, a book is comforting. So I thought about it a lot, thought about how much it would suck to have to take the time to train Evangeline when right now it was just so easy to let her pee and poop in a diaper. And how would car trips work? How would I go anywhere?

But then I started listening to the book and was won over by the author pretty quickly. She’s funny and she frames it as a really cool milestone and “your first glimpse into how your child learns.” And I’m all about that. And then she started going through the steps and I was like wait, wait, slow down and Amazon Primed that book ASAP. Help me.

Her intro and first couple chapters made me realize, Evangeline is totally ready to learn this. I am the limiting factor. So I braced myself, marked the start day on the calendar (September 1, just to give us a few days to calm down after her birthday, and nice clean start date) and cleared our schedule. Honestly, our schedule is going to the library, etc, little fun morning outings, but even letting go of this was hard. Totally home bound for several days? Yikes.

A couple things were working in my favor with this venture.

1. Our 500 sq foot apartment set to be demolished in June. There’s always a potty within reach! There’s already years and years of pee soaked into this carpet and it’s going to be destroyed soon anyway!

2. Summertime. When I couldn’t keep her inside anymore, I let her go out to the playground with no pants on and brought a potty along. There were many accidents out there, and it was possibly a questionable parenting choice, but other moms were sympathetic.

But still, the first week was SO HARD. Like, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Similar to childbirth, I think there is necessary amnesia associated with potty training. 6 months later, I’ve already forgotten some of how exhausting it was to strike the balance between complete focus and total casualness. I’m watching you super carefully to learn your pee pee dance, but it’s no big deal to me if you pee on the floor, you do you, gf, this is not a power struggle. But I do remember thinking at some point towards the end of that first week – Shoot, if I have more babies, I have to potty train them too. (I did not have that thought after giving birth, btw.)

One of our first trips out, on Day 9, was a walk to campus for a ND football tailgate with seminarians. Got one pee in the potty and one pair of wet pants. I called it a win.

My friend also recommended this portable seat to make big toilets accessible and it was CLUTCH. Basically, all credit goes to Katherine. 🙂

Overall, I recommend Jamie’s method. It’s super intense, but it works. Potty training was all I thought about and talked about for 2 weeks, and then it got more normal. There were (and still are) accidents here and there, but I really liked not having to change her diapers anymore (just down to one baby) and not buying them (!) and throwing them into landfill any longer. After Christmas, when Evangeline had a total regression at Grandma’s house (my fault), we got home and got right back to it and she picked up again in no time.

tricycle for her bday. a much less messy milestone.

turn it into love

Every kind of work can become prayer.

– St. Josemaria Escriva

One of my spiritual practices now is offering up the work I do as prayer. File this one under Things I Love Now That I’m Catholic But Had No Idea About Before. (Confession, saints, Natural Family Planning, relics, and feast days are just a few others in that category). I’m still learning about this practice, but as a way of understanding work and prayer, it has formed a new way for me to relate to God. Similar to the monastic bell idea, and this is kind of a part two to that post. After Evange was born, I was added to a Facebook group of moms in the campus ministry organization I worked for. I remember different threads popping up around the question – As a mom with a newborn, I can’t find space have a quiet time anymore. What do your prayer lives look like with babies? At the same time, I joined a Catholic mom Facebook group focused on Advent reflections. Through that (and this blog that I’d been following for a while because she’s also a convert, and loves Anne of Green Gables and Harry Potter – the best!) I started to see that Catholics seemed to have an understanding of prayer that extended beyond the “quiet time” in a very helpful way for a sleep deprived new mom.

I’m a big fangirl of this lady, and she wrote a reflection that stuck with me. She was talking about this idea of offering up the small, every day tasks. That we have the choice to whine or complain about the little things that just need to get done, every day – feeding our bodies and others’, cleaning up after feeding those bodies, cleaning the mess of non-toilet trained others – or, we can offer up those tasks as prayers. From what I gather (again, baby Catholic here) there are formal prayers, like the Morning Offering, to offer up the day ahead, all the work, prayers, joys, and sufferings, that will come, to Jesus, for however He wants to use them. But I think you can also just pray throughout the day. When I hit the end of my energy or patience, I try to quickly, mentally, pray – Help me do this well, as a prayer for ___. (Quick side note – I usually like to pray for the pregnant women in my life, but right now there are SO MANY I can’t keep track of them all. We’re definitely not in the Bay Area anymore).

I don’t know if that’s really what offering it up is, but that’s what I do. This understanding of prayer is also deeply linked to a Catholic understanding of suffering – that we can link our suffering to Jesus’s. I think I first heard about this in relation to labor pains – that women would ask for prayer requests before labor, and offer those intentions up. Zelie’s due date was Good Friday and I was excited about the idea of being in labor on that day – Dang! I’ll be suffering as Jesus is dying! How cool is that?? But then I had to ask Chris, “So, how does offering up someone or something in prayer work, exactly? Do I have to keep them in mind while I’m in labor? Cuz that is not happening.” And he said no, I can pray before labor, to offer up my suffering as a prayer, for whatever. And I was like, ok cool. But she was born four days early. And I got an epidural because I didn’t want another 50 hour labor. So, obviously not ready for Good Friday levels of suffering over here. But everything can become prayer, and that’s something I wish I had known sooner and want to keep leaning into.

Turn it into love, my friend. Turn it into love.

-Blythe Fike

one week of Lent (or, what I can’t Instagram)

1. I CANNOT WAIT FOR WARM WEATHER. This impatience is manifesting itself in various ways, the primary ones in the past week: new, sudden interest in gardening, and online shopping for summer shoes.

2. I’m still trying to fully enter into Lent. Saw this quote and I don’t fully understand it, but it resonates. Giving up IG, I had hopes for using that time better, but it’s a strug fest. I find I keep checking my email compulsively, and no one emails me except Gap and J.Crew, so…. see point #1.

3. Fridays are the best. I finally figured out where to park for the free babysitting on campus. They only take kids two and older, but God sent another Adrianna into my life who loves my babies, so I am child free for 1-3 hours and it is glorious. I swipe my spouse ID and get in a work out at the brand new gym on campus (which is GINORMOUS) and feel like the red dress lady emoji. And I usually get to see Chris too, either for lunch or for mass, and that’s a nice treat in and of itself. La dee dee.

4. Knowing I’m going to exercise around undergrads has made me exercise more leading up to Fridays. Fitness Blender is my new jam. It’s free and easy! I can do a 15 minute HIIT in my tiny living room. No excuses. It is hilarious, though, when I try to do it with the girls awake. I wish I could video it somehow. I’m doing planks and push ups with Evange on my back and Zelie standing, holding onto my shoulders. And squats, onto Evange’s head. But, fitness!

5. Minerva, our amaryllis, gifted from Molly’s wonderful mother, Mary Jean, and the Dr. Burr Field Scholarship Fund, is a joy. We opened the box she came in on February 13, the day before Ash Wednesday, and I thought I had killed her by waiting too long to check the mail. She was all white and dead-ish looking. But she is thriving! Literally growing before our eyes. Every day one of us comments, “Look, Minerva is getting so tall!” Evangeline is very curious what color flower she will produce. It’s nice to have a living plant in the apartment in this eternal winter.

6. I finished The Ninth Hour by Alice McDermott – enjoyed it. Good writing. Something slightly strange at the very end left me with weird feeling about it, but overall, good. I’ve been almost done with A Severe Mercy for several days, just need to finish it off. A good one, too. I recommend. Especially enjoyed getting to know C.S. Lewis better through the letter he exchanges with the author. And on that note, I read his essay, The Weight of Glory, this week. Chris read it for something and lent it to me. “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal … Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your senses.” Oh, Clive. Zeitoun by Dave Eggers is next on the list.

7. The other night, Evangeline organized a little dance party. She found a silly hat for each of us, including Zelie, and played music out of this toy barn she has. She is very particular and a bit bossy, and I love it. (Most of the time.) There’s been several moments lately when I’ve thought, “Wow, you can do that by yourself now?” She’s getting to be a big girl. Pancakes are her favorite food to make and eat, and she eats more of them than Chris does.

It was 60 degrees and we played in the pouring rain for an hour. (Pretending it’s spring). What a cutie bug.

7 Quick Takes (a Sunday edition)

I’ve seen some other bloggers do this quick takes thing and I like how it gives a little snapshot of someone’s week, what’s on her mind, (what’s on her shopping list). I think it’s supposed to be a Friday thing, but oh well. Right now Sunday is when I have the most time to reflect back on the week.

Lent starts this week (gah!) and while I am still considering what I will fast from (aka I know what I need to fast from but I don’t want to do it) I am v excited to start a new prayer rhythm with this Lenten journal from Blessed is She. Beautiful design, beautifully written reflections on women in the Bible. So much scripture, it seems like only a Protestant could have made it. JUST JOKES!

2. Zelie, Chris, and I got some kind of weird, subtly flu-like sickness two weeks ago, which we got over, only to wake up with bad colds this past week. That, plus v cold temperatures and then a snow storm, kept us home bound. So, I haven’t yet made it to the library in the month of February (what!) but I firmly intend to this week. Temps in the mid-30’s woot! I want to make Valentine’s with Evange there (so I don’t have to craft at home) and find as many of these books as I can.

3. I’ve been staying up too late watching Season 1 of The Crown. I got Chris to watch with me but I keep going ahead and then having to re-watch with him, and I’m not complaining about that.

4. Listening to this when I do the dishes/fold laundry/make dinner plus Chris going to a farmer’s co-op has made me all excited about local food. I’m even wanting to learn how to build some garden beds and grow some vegetables. And, my friend Anna, who is a profesh cheese maker, recommended this to me, which I promptly ordered. So I’m one step closer to an attempt at making my own cheese, which is something I never thought I’d say.

5. While I like the idea of having people over to dinner, Chris is much better at making it happen. We’ve hosted people three times in February so far. I’m getting better at cooking enough food (and learning to use my instant pot, woot!), getting the apartment somewhat clean, and being social. I actually really enjoy getting to practice hospitality (and I definitely need practice) and it’s become fun rather than humbling to invite friends into our tiny apartment. (We often borrow chairs from our neighbors, or have Chris and Evangeline sit on the coffee table pulled up to the dining table.) I decided to keep a log in the back of my planner of who we’ve had over (and what I cooked) just for fun and for my terrible memory.

6. I read through this essay over the course of several days (leaving it open on the table so anytime I sat down to eat with the girls I’d read a tiny bit more). Really enjoyed her writing and vulnerability and love for literature. If you read it, let me know what you think. (Shout out to Julian of Norwich in there, Mom!) Also really enjoying reading from physical books/magazines these days. I just get distracted reading on a screen and skim.

7. Hand lettering is a new hobby for me. I’m having fun practicing and improving. and I’m finding it fits with the season I’m in of collecting things. I can make a note of a quote that I like and then spend more time with it when I letter it out. This is Chris’s favorite, by far. LOL.

the monastic bell of motherhood

John of the Cross once described the inner essence of monasticism in these words: “But they, O my God and my life, will see and experience your mild touch, who withdraw from the world and become mild, bringing the mild into harmony with the mild, thus enabling themselves to experience and enjoy you.” What John suggests here is that two elements make for a monastery: withdrawal from the world and bringing oneself into harmony with the mild (Rolheiser).

I came across an article, “The Domestic Monastery,” a year or so ago, and it’s popped into my mind several times since then, usually when I’ve hit the killer combo of sleep deprivation + the girls both waking up many times in a night. Or when I have things I want to get done and Zelie is feeling sick and wants to be held all day, or Evange wants me to play with her (how dare she). Basically, the times when I really crave extended silence and solitude. Like being a monk in a monastery.

The thesis of this article is that the contemplative life can be lived in the domestic sphere. That a stay at home mom actually lives in a type of monastery, primed for deep experiences of God. “A monastery is not so much a place set apart for monks and nuns as it is a place set apart (period). It is also a place to learn the value of powerlessness and a place to learn that time is not ours” (Rolheiser). This notion intrigues me to no end because the contemplative life is the life I long to live. Me, on a mountain, praying and working in a garden. Me, in a cabin in the woods, reading my books. Me, living my best life as a monk.

Really, it’s me wanting what I want. It’s wanting control over my time, to do whatever I want for as long as I want. Which really isn’t how monks live at all.

All monasteries have a bell. Bernard … told his monks that whenever the monastic bell rang, they were to drop whatever they were doing and go immediately to the particular activity (prayer, meals, work, study, sleep) to which the bell was summoning them … The idea in his mind was that when the bell called, it called you to the next task and you were to respond immediately, not because you want to, but because it’s time for that task and time isn’t your time, it’s God’s time. For him, the monastic bell was intended as a discipline to stretch the heart by always taking you beyond your own agenda to God’s agenda” (Rolheiser).

Ah, the monastic bell of motherhood. For me, this articulates the first and most painful lesson I learned upon becoming a mom. Time isn’t your time. My memories of the first few weeks of Evangeline’s life are sitting on the couch ALL DAY, nursing her ALL DAY, and accomplishing very little other than keeping us both alive (and I had a lot of help). I remember thinking, wow, somehow, for my whole life up until now, I really thought I was in control. HA HA HA. Motherhood from Day 1 has been poking holes into the understanding I have of who I am and what gives me value. In those first months, it was a triumph to get out of the house and go somewhere, once each day. Grocery shopping took a herculean effort. Dinner was pasta, pasta, and more pasta. (When I really stretched myself, I’d sauté some vegetables on the side. We walked to the taqueria a lot.) I had never thought of myself as achievement oriented, but when I could not point to one single thing I had done that day (outside of keeping me and E alive), it really started to frustrate me. What is this?? I’m a competent person! Who am I if I can’t do anything??

I’ve come a long way in the two and half years since then, but the monastic bell imagery is still super helpful. It reminds me that it is actually reality that time is not my own and that I don’t have control. That I can lean into that reality and trust, instead of fighting it. It reorients me back towards my girls and their demands. It helps me find meaning in all the small, daily sacrifices. The nighttime wakings become a call to prayer (like a real live monk!) even if the prayer is, “Help me, Jesus.” The interminable bedtime routine – read this book one more time, I have to pee one more time – where I most tangibly feel the discomfort of my heart being stretched because this is definitely not my agenda for the evening can become a discipline, a place for me to practice patience. (Currently, I am terrible at this. Bedtime is where the most ugly parts of me are revealed.)

The domestic monastery somehow came up in one of Chris’s classes and he was trying to explain the idea to his classmates, some of whom are seminarians (studying/training to be celibate priests). I told him he could share my example of the bell for that day. I was interrupted from reading emails by Evangeline yelling from her room, where she was supposed to be napping, “MAMA, I NEED HELP! I DID A POOP!!”

The bell indeed doth toll.

pretty sure the feat of that day was tying the moby wrap.

the glimpses

There was a day back in December when I got out of the apartment for a run (in sunshine, hallelujah!) and as I was running along the walking path toward campus, I saw a woman with a basket. She was off the path a ways, standing at the edge of a field that was filled with yellow flowers when we moved here in July, but now is brown. I had just registered that the field had died and never looked at it again, really. But she was standing there with a basket, picking what I now saw were thistles. Still brown and dead, but she had noticed them for some reason, and her attention turned mine. I kept running but on my way back, when I passed that spot again, I decided to take a closer look. They were definitely dead. Pointy thistles on the end of dry, pointy stalks. But they were pretty, in a way, and there were small, brittle flowers among them. And I was struck mostly that I had never seen them before in all my times walking/jogging past. So I copied the basket lady and broke off several stalks, walking the rest of the way home.

It was a strange, reflective moment, where I was very aware that I had done something I hadn’t planned to do (step off the path, stop my run, bring home dead flowers) and I was super elated by it. Like, weirdly so. Chris had taken the girls somewhere so I had the apartment to myself for a few minutes, and I spent the time carefully arranging the thistles in a glass. And it was so great. And they were just dead flowers.

***

I think I’m entering a season of collecting things like this. Not always dead thistles, sometimes a line from a poem, a writing by a saint, or an old photograph from a thrift store. Things or words that set my soul humming. It only now occurs to me that this quiet, small activity fits well with winter. I’ve been turning inward as the days have shortened, the leaves have let go and fallen, and the bitter cold is now setting in. I am watching the sun rise and set each day now, and it has set me to paying attention to more of the little things that fill that time in between.

This quote by Henri Nouwen that I found in this book is something I keep returning to, lately. “My deepest vocation is to be a witness to the glimpses of God I have been allowed to catch.” Seeing these things I’m collecting as glimpses – of God, of beauty, of joy – and savoring them. I’m wondering how to be a witness to them. And how being a witness can be my vocation, within my other vocations (wife, mother). It’s all wrapped up in the question I continue to have: What do I do as a stay at home mom? But I think this sort of vocational lens is more helpful to me. It’s not fully formed and I’m still figuring it out, but I know I want to keep catching those glimpses.